A pernicious pursuit

It has finally arrived!

Much has been happening of late. Time is running out for the academix. The baby is crawling zealously and has a mind of her own. She is sweet and strong willed. Basically, she wants what she wants when she wants it. And, hell hath no fury like my little girl scorned!

This is my final week on this away from home audit. It is also the source of my joy. As it turns out, absence makes the heart grow fonder, ache, beat rapidly and causes heart attacks. I can’t wait to get home this weekend. It is going to be lovely to home again, and mistress of all that I survey.

And, in other news, I have yet to pay the board for them to allow me to write their exam in January. I also have yet to pay those who present the course. I have decided that I intend to pass. Now, it’s just the small matter of mastering the content. I may require some assistance. But, all shall be revealed in time, I’m sure.

Have I mentioned that I can’t wait to get out of here?

I had a dream the other night. I had a baby girl. And, she was of a more chocolatey complexion than our current little one. In my dream, we had named her Noko. Apparently, there is no such name, I googled it. (Well, not in Sesotho anyway) Ah well.

Torture of a podiatary kinde

Today is the last work day of the first week after my maternity leave. So far, the most difficult thing to get used to has been these stupid high heel shoes. My feet ache and complain 2 hours into the work day. I am not used to this. Whoever created and instituted the high heel shoe for professional women, was just plain sadistic.

I look at the men’s shoes longingly. They are flat, have rubber soles. They speak of comfort. Wish I could get away with wearing guy shoes at work. I’ve always wanted a job where I could wear jeans and skateboarder shoes every day. I think I should’ve gone into the journalism line in the end. Pity that I moved around so much as a kid. Couldn’t settle down and join the school newspaper. Most schools don’t have em.

I was 10 minutes late this morning. I’d like to take this time and blame my wonderful husband for not kicking me out of bed when I was supposed to get up. The top brass here at the office had deigned me worthy for “flexi-hours”. But, I’m on probation for the next 6 months, as HR informed me this morning. So, we’ll see how it goes. It works well for me, coz I have to drop and fetch my baby at daycare.

It was sort of weird driving past the office this morning, on the way to daycare… I was thinking to myself that if I didn’t have to drop the kid, I would have been on time. Also, if the day care was on the way to work, I would have been on time as well. Instead, I drive past the office every morning, and then drive back. Don’t get me wrong though, it’s worth it. The baby is well taken care of in the BEST day care (and most expensive) I could find.

I have a grand total of 5 work outfits. The new pants I bought is dragging on the floor today. I forgot to put a seam in last night. It’s the weirdest thing – I get home, hang with the baby; feed her. We have dinner. Then, I just pass out. I’m suddenly so tired that I need to just lie down. I then immediately fall asleep and we rinse and repeat for the next morning.

This morning, as I drove past the mall, a deep longing seized me. If only I could go to the really expensive hairdressers again. My spending habits had to change after the conception of my bundle of joy. And, I’d rather have her than awesome hair. It’s just that, sometimes I miss the perks that came with money. So, the plan is to study further, and stick it out in this job till my contract comes to an end (next year). Then, I will look for a better paying job.

I’ve always been really good at going for interviews. It’s also strange. I plan an outfit, do my hair nice, put on some make-up, etc, when i have an interview. My vocabulary (and CV) is very good, and I use it to full effect when speaking to prospective bosses. But, the crazy thing is, I can’t be bothered to do all that for daily work. I wish I could work in a place that’s les… serious and full of deadlines.

I’m happy at my current office, don’t get me wrong. But, if I could fantasise about the perfect job for me, it would be as I said above – jeans every day. No or few deadlines. Hi tech, where everyone at least had a nodding acquaintance with Twitter, for crying out loud. Friendly people. Very little pressure.

I don’t know.

I wonder which line of business would have suited me better. Journo-ism is full of deadlines. But, if it were a job I’m good at and where I know what I’m doing, I wouldn’t mind having a deadline to do it in, as long as it’s reasonable.

Child care? Who would have me?

My master plan is to try applying for work with the government if all else fails. They are always hiring as far as I know. I just wanna get out of the audit game at some point. It’s rather repetitive. And feels like a lot of stress all for nothing.

I was hoping my body would go back to it’s pre-pregnancy shape, but it seems not. I am now 2 pants sizes bigger than I was last year. Hopefully things will fall into place in time.

I knew I should have packed some food for today… I’m hungry. Gonna see what I can forage.

Even more vivid dreams

Since I’ve been pregnant, my dreams have become incredibly detailed, colourful, real.

The other night, there were snakes everywhere. And a horned pale green one chasing me. Every time it got close to me, I would freeze. It was after me. I was supposed to pack some things for a trip, but everywhere I touched, were tiny wormy red and black, black and yellow snakes. Not fun.

This morning, I dreamt that 2 of my most esteemed and kind hearted colleagues had double teamed up on a girl, a little blonde thing. Then, they had consensually deflowered her. The dream has me yelling at them from my soap box how irresponsible what they have done is. And, that it was a gift for her one day husband, etc. She just sat there on the floor, looking dazed and confused.

Then there was the dream that my husband was forcefully and with intent trying to hurt the baby by squeezing on my stomach. So much so, that it was painful to me. This happened twice, then I woke up.

A recurring theme has been my husband cheating on me, leaving me, abandoning me. Usually an ex features. And usually he is callous towards me, uncaring.

My pregnancy books say that these dreams during pregnancy are usually an expression of one’s most deeply rooted fears.

Well, the snake dream is easily explained away. I was reading a short story about a man with a deadly snake slumbering on his stomach, scared out of his mind. I fell asleep with the book on the bed.

This morning’s dream… is a bit more random. I’ve been discussing old time values and so on with one of the client personnel. So, the neurons could be firing off on that. It bothers me when I hear of infidelity and shameless irresponsible actions; especially where trust is broken. It just cuts deep.

And, of course, I have abandonment issues. I usually end up being left by my significant other, as a result of being too clingy. Usually.

These clear dreams have been a blessing and a curse.

There have been more nights than I’d like to count, when I wake up from an abandonment nightmare. Then, with murder in my eyes, I abruptly move away from the husband. He, of course, oblivious to the wrong doings he had committed in my dreams. But, it feels so REAL.

Then, when I have the other nightmares, it’s nice to have someone’s chest to hide in and someone to hold onto when one is scared right out of your mind.

See? Blessing and curse.

The pregnancy books say most people dream about the coming baby.

That only happened to me in the beginning. I wonder, as the time approaches, will I have more baby related dreams? Or, will it always just be all about me?

(more) Dreamscapes

I had another dream the other morning; Saturday morning, in fact. I don’t remember much of what happened in the dream…

Once again, I dreamt I had a baby girl.

I spent the weekend at home, my parents’ home. It was awesome.

My mom gave my distended stomach one look, and said, that’s a girl in there. Look how far forward that tummy is – boys tend to lie more in the back.

Of, course, it could go either way.

Every morning, my stomach goes flat. When I wake up, I just look slightly on the pudgy side. But, by lunch time, and even moreso at night, I have this grotesque bulging bloated stomach. Another crazy quirk of nature. Go figure.

Also, an interesting sidenote that my mom told me this weekend: She said that just before I dumped the news of my pregnancy earlier this year, she had had a dream that someone in the family was preggers. And she remembers wondering to herself “Wie in die familie is nou weer op die paal?”. Hilarious. Anyway, long story short, it turned out to be me, which was about the last person she was expecting. My mom said she wondered about all the cousins, but didn’t even think to look in her own house.

This morning I had a nightmare. Haven’t had one of those in years. (And I stand by what I say: I really don’t dream that often. And I only really remember my dreams when my sleeping pattern is disrupted somehow – either by waking up too early, or being able to sleep late)

I woke my husband with my mewling. He turned me. I woke. Nightmare over, husband there to comfort me.

Bliss.

“You’re afraid of the dark?” he asks me this morning. I blush a fiery crimson and sheepishly admit “Yeah. I always had a nightlight at home.” “Oh. I didn’t know that.”

Go figure, right.

Anyway, the dream was horrible. I was lying on my back and I couldn’t move. Everything in the dream was in slo-mo. There was a resident evil (haha) manifesting itself in a room. It turned people into evil entities, violent. But, to the other two people in the room, you look like the evil entity. We were all hitting and slapping each other, speaking in slowed horrible voices, but sounding normal to ourselves.

When my husband turned me, I was pushed out of the room at the same instant.

He said he heard me say something – but, it didn’t make sense, and he couldn’t hear what I was saying.

I’ll tell you what I was trying to say in that molasses surreal dream-state: “GET OUT!! GET OUT OF THERE!!”

I wonder what it all means….

Dreamscapes

i had a dream the other night.

i dreamt i was on the beach. i was already a mommy. my little one was walking beside me, jumping from driftwood, to sand, looking for seashells.

she was of darkest ebony, shining brilliantly in the twilight. curious, and full of life. questions bubbled from her, her inquisitive nature seeming to mirror mine. she was joyful and happy, content with the answers i gave her, only until the next question crumpled her brow.

"mommy, why is the sky red? what are the fishes doing under all that water? how do they breathe, mommy? are we going home soon? can't we stay here?"

she had fiercely red hair, like someone i may have created on an RPG. Neverwinternights springs to mind, though i always made my characters blue-skinned with long flowing white hair. I remember feeling nothing but love and adoration for my offspring, as we walked side by side on the beach.

i was wearing a long dress, billowing in the wind. i remember feeling at peace. i remember the pride swelling in my heart as my little girl found another seashell, and whooped with delight.

it was a good dream.

Post script
At the risk of sounding ungrateful, and please know that i hope for a healthy one of either flavour, i would rather like to have a little girl. I think this dream sort of punctuates that dream. She would be the apple of her daddy's eye. Adored by both her parents. and maybe just a little spoiled.